locked in that secret safe

Unlocking the Safe

Growing up, my mom had this very special safe. Not for jewelry. Not for birth certificates. No, no, no. This safe was for... Hostess snack cakes. Twinkies, Ding Dongs, HoHos — guarded like bars of gold in Fort Knox.

If we wanted one in our school lunch, we had a two-step request — once during chores and again at sunrise when we were getting ready to leave for school. Because snack cakes didn’t stand a chance of surviving through the night. We had a sixth sense for sniffing out Little Debbies like sugar-sniping ninjas in the night. 🥷

At breakfast, the rationing continued. Each sibling got to pick one box of sugary cereal to last the week. My sister? She’d pour half the box into a giant bowl, drown it in milk, and polish it off before Tuesday afternoon dance class. And then she'd just...hover over everyone else's cereal like a hungry hawk.

But my dad took the scarcity cake (pun fully intended). One of 14 kids, he developed a survival strategy: elbows up, arms around the plate like a barricade. You’d think someone was going to rob him of his meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Every meal was a high-stakes game of keep-your-food-close… unless Mom was serving black-eyed peas. Those mysteriously disappeared into the hollow arms of the metal kitchen chairs — but that’s a story for another day.

It all sounds a little extreme until you realize:

💡 Greed isn't about excess. It's a deep fear that there won't be enough.

Let’s Unpack It! 💼

Scarcity isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s quiet. Subtle. Dressed up as “preparedness” or “discipline.”

Here’s how it can sneak in:

• Over-functioning — doing everything yourself because asking for help feels risky

• Tight control — micromanaging plans, people, or outcomes

• Jealousy — not because you’re petty, but because you secretly wonder if you’re enough

• Competition over collaboration — because if they shine, you worry you’ll fade

• People-pleasing — because you’re scared that setting boundaries will cost you love

• Playing small — not because you lack dreams, but because you don’t believe there’s room for yours

• Perfectionism — because you think being flawless earns you safety and approval

• Withholding joy — saving the “good stuff” (rest, fun, delight) for when you’ve “earned” it

• Procrastination — not laziness, just fear that it still won’t be enough even if you give it your all

Scarcity is a shape-shifter. It sounds like:

• There’s not enough.

• I don't want to owe anybody anything.

• I have to be perfect or it's not worth doing.

• I’m not enough.

• I have to prove myself before I can rest, be seen, or feel safe.

• Comparison framed as 'goals'.

And it’s a lie. Every. Single. Time.

Scarcity isn’t just about money or time. It’s the belief that there’s not enough — not enough love, mercy, fairness, food — so everything becomes a battle for survival.

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➡️ SCARCITY IN CO-PARENTING

It’s easy to think this kind of mindset dies in childhood. It doesn’t. It grows up with us.

Here’s how a scarcity mentality creates co-parenting chaos:

• Withholding info about the kids because they want the upper hand, not a partnership

• Power struggles over schedules because sharing time feels like losing ground

• Weaponizing money — child support, custody, school fees, even birthday gifts become leverage

• Undermining you to the kids so they can “win” loyalty or play the hero

• Constant scorekeeping—who's done more, sacrificed more, deserves more

• Refusing to collaborate because cooperation feels like giving you a win

  
  

Scarcity makes us over-function, overcorrect, overprotect.

We end up parenting from a place of hyper vigilance — not presence.

At its core, scarcity is a form of fear: If I don’t control everything, my kids will be scarred and broken.

But the truth? When you shift out of scarcity, you stop being hooked or triggered.

You can’t change a chaotic ex, but you can parent and communicate from above the line and reclaim your peace.

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➡️ SCARCITY IN LEADERSHIP

Scarcity in leadership doesn’t always look panicked. Sometimes it looks polished and driven.

“Just being thorough.” But underneath? It’s fear running the show.

Here’s how it sneaks in:

• Micromanaging everything because you don’t trust your team will get it “right”

• Saying yes to everything because you don’t want to lose momentum (or approval)

• Withholding feedback because you’re scared of conflict or rocking the boat

• Refusing to delegate because it’s “just easier” if you do it

• Overusing “I” and underusing “we”— because scarcity says, “I have to get credit”

• Over-accommodating your team or leaders - absorbing all the pressure, and shielding others from discomfort because you’re afraid setting boundaries will make you look selfish, weak, or replaceable.

Scarcity whispers: If I don’t grip tighter, I’ll lose control.

But the truth? The tighter you grip, the more your influence slips.

THRIVE model

Abundance-led leadership isn’t soft or weak. It’s clear. It’s confident. It knows there’s enough credit, energy, opportunity, and trust to go around.

👉 So how do we shift from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality?

We don’t heal scarcity with more strategy, more control, more stuff. We heal it with acceptance, truth and trust. We move it above the awareness line.

Here’s where to start:

1️⃣ Notice where you’re gripping.

The plate. The praise. The plan. The credit. What are you afraid to let go of?

2️⃣ Ask: Is this fear or fullness?

What’s the story you’re telling yourself? What’s actually true?

3️⃣ Practice small acts of abundance.

Speak gratitude. Delegate. Share credit. Use WE instead of I. Don't be afraid to disappoint. Let someone else have the last Hoho (okay, maybe not every time).

4️⃣ Invest in personal growth. Investing in personal growth, like coaching, reminds you that you’re not stuck, you’re not behind, and you’re not out of options; you’re in motion, and that’s where abundance begins.

📌 [The Powerful Perspective] Whether you’re leading a team, parenting, or navigating both — it’s easy to act from fear/greed [below the line]. But your power, your peace, and your presence come from accepting:

You don’t have to stay small, silent, or strong to be safe.

You don’t have to carry it all to be worthy of love or respect.

You don’t have to keep sacrificing your peace to feel seen.

You don’t have to run on fumes to prove you're capable.

There is enough.

You are enough.

And your people — big or small — will thrive when you lead from that place. Snack cakes optional.

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I’ve taken the best from coaching practices and curated world-class training and development programs to create something that takes the guesswork out of how to lead and co-parent with confidence and compassion.

Download the toolkit here 👉 Empowered Communicator's Toolkit to Conquer Chaos

Or begin your personal growth journey here:

👉 Peaceful Parenting Pathway

👉 Powerful Perspectives for Leaders